In The Silence

I was searching for you in wishing wells, in layovers at airports unfamiliar,

I was searching for you in him; in the palms of his hands, in the taste of his mouth…

Trying to figure out exactly who and what you are… Were… Could be…

I laid up at night unable to sleep; overthinking and analyzing it all…

It was only when I had given up, when I gave into the quiet, the silence, the stars…

That I found you in the pit of my stomach; inside the epitome of emptiness.

I found you once I stopped putting everyone first and saying “No.”

When I set fire to relationships that wouldn’t work though I desperately wanted them to.

When I let go of fear; of losing.

I found you when I let go of everything that was stopping me from loving you.

I found you in words written down without expectation.

In hot coffee on cold mornings, in loneliness and in being alone.

I found you when I sang, “I think I’ll go to Boston” loud with tears in my eyes.

I found you when I dug deep unashamed.

I found you in therapy.

I found you at the Met in paintings from past lives I don’t quite remember yet.

I found myself…

In the moments when I forgot about who everyone else is, were, and would be.