In The Silence
I was searching for you in wishing wells, in layovers at airports unfamiliar,
I was searching for you in him; in the palms of his hands, in the taste of his mouth…
Trying to figure out exactly who and what you are… Were… Could be…
I laid up at night unable to sleep; overthinking and analyzing it all…
It was only when I had given up, when I gave into the quiet, the silence, the stars…
That I found you in the pit of my stomach; inside the epitome of emptiness.
I found you once I stopped putting everyone first and saying “No.”
When I set fire to relationships that wouldn’t work though I desperately wanted them to.
When I let go of fear; of losing.
I found you when I let go of everything that was stopping me from loving you.
I found you in words written down without expectation.
In hot coffee on cold mornings, in loneliness and in being alone.
I found you when I sang, “I think I’ll go to Boston” loud with tears in my eyes.
I found you when I dug deep unashamed.
I found you in therapy.
I found you at the Met in paintings from past lives I don’t quite remember yet.
I found myself…
In the moments when I forgot about who everyone else is, were, and would be.