Ugly Healing.

Sometimes my trauma

comes up into

my throat like

projectile vomit;

violent.

I can’t keep it down

so, I open my mouth

wide; silently

I spill and then…

I pick.

I reopen all

my wounds and I don’t find

anything new.

I just uncover things

I had tried to forget

except now,

here they are and

they’re doing nothing

but bringing

torment.

I’m not always okay.

I’m not always

breathing;

sometimes it’s so

harsh-breathe in, breathe out.

Tears are falling faster than

I can keep track of

and I keep trying to repeat

“healing is not linear,

it’s not linear,

it’s not a straight line,

it’s not worst to best..

it’s not.”

Yet, in my head, I can hear all

of the things they’ve said;

“ridiculous,

narcissist,

cry baby,

attention seeker,

snowflake,

liar.”

I just wonder… When will eyes

of empathy reach me?

When will healing look

more like

breathing steadily?